Dirt Road Home Read online

  Love,

  Carla

  I read the letter twice, then folded it and stored it under my pillow. Then the dread of where I was came rushing over me again and the smile left my face. I looked at Leroy’s letter and shoved it under my pillow too. I slipped off the bunk and took a deep breath and headed for the confessional. Out in the hall I saw Paco leaning against the wall near the rec room. He cocked his eyes at me, then looked away.

  I went into the confessional and began taking the bandages off my face and tossing them in the wastebasket. After a minute Paco strolled in.

  “How can it be,” I said, “that my only friend in here sends people to kick my ass? There’s just somethin’ wrong with that.”

  “You think I am your friend?”

  “In a weird way, I think you are.”

  Paco laughed. “If it were true, I doubt I could admit it. Unless you joined my boys, that is.”

  “I haven’t decided that yet.”

  “And I don’t know that there is a standing invitation for you to join.”

  I didn’t answer him.

  “And maybe I don’t invite you out of respect.”

  “Respect for what?”

  “For a quality I have not seen in a very long time.”

  “What do you want, Paco?”

  He paused. “There’s something you should know, Hal. You must not underestimate Jack. He can be very unpredictable when you make him angry.”

  “No kiddin’?”

  “Like most terriers, he makes a lot of noise, but he can and will try to hurt you bad enough to cripple you. That is his way. It is not tactical to him. It is not a game. It is revenge. He is a desperate coward with a mind like a nest of angry hornets.”

  “He doesn’t seem too afraid to me.”

  “It is how you handle fear that determines your cowardice. He is crazy afraid. That is what makes him dangerous.”

  “He gonna try and break my arms or somethin’?”

  “There is no limit to what he will try. You damaged his pride by refusing his gang and standing up to him on the yard. You made him look bad in front of the boys. Before, you could have surprised him. Now, he will be ready for you. You are the only thing on his mind.”

  “And I don’t guess you’ll be around to help me out, will you, friend?”

  “It is not that simple. You see, for me to get involved would betray the confidence of my boys. What would they think about me helping this person who has rejected us? What would that show me to be? Perhaps I could send my boys to help you, but then I would get questioned. Why should they do this? Because I like you? That could never be.”

  “Well then, I guess you have some Paco words of wisdom for me?”

  “No, I have a present for you. I put it in your stationery kit.”

  After lights-out I pulled the shiv from the stationery kit and studied it. It was like a crude ice pick. Nothing more than an eight-inch length of straightened bedspring with masking tape wrapped on one end for a handle. Suddenly fear gripped me and I shoved it under my mattress. Then I heard Caboose’s bed creak. I looked at him. He was sitting up, watching me across the pathway.

  “What?” I said.

  For a moment he didn’t move. Then he lay back down and no-man’s-land was silent.

  I left the shiv in the stationery kit the next morning. I wanted it gone, but didn’t want to risk carrying it far enough to throw it away.

  After getting my breakfast tray, I headed for no-man’s-land and looked about the room. Preston was watching me with his stupid grin. As soon as I made eye contact with Jack, he turned away and began talking to the boy next to him. I looked to the other side of the room. Paco sat amid his boys, eating slowly and silently while the others talked loudly among themselves. He turned his eyes up at me without lifting his head and kept them on me just long enough to let me know he was more alert than he appeared. Then I realized that I had not seen Chase. Even though I didn’t know what became of a person that failed his initiation, I had assumed he went back to no-man’s-land.

  I set my tray down at my usual place. Before I could sit, somebody yelled from the Ministers’ table, “Siddown, Helpless!”

  For some reason, this time those words strummed a nerve in me. I remained standing, staring at my tray and concentrating on being calm.

  “I think he’s gonna cry!” came Preston’s voice.

  Anger flared and rose inside me. I backed away from the table and started walking. This is stupid, I said to myself. Let it go. But I couldn’t this time. I went down to the end of no-man’s-land, turned, passed the dividing row of empty tables, and turned again at the Ministers’ row. If the room hadn’t gone dead quiet, then my ears were ringing over the noise of it. I began to pass behind them and they shifted in their chairs and swung their heads to watch me. Jack was on the opposite side of the table. When I was across from him I stopped. Leroy was directly below me. Keeping my eyes on Jack, I reached in my pocket and pulled out the letter. I put it on Leroy’s tray. “Here’s a letter from my girlfriend, Leroy.”

  I stared at Jack a few moments longer. I watched the fire burn deep in his eyes. I saw his cheeks twitching. Leroy fumbled the letter from the tray and pulled it into his lap.

  I turned and continued up the table and back to no-man’s-land. When I passed Caboose, he scooted his chair up.

  During class that morning a note was passed to me. I looked at the boy that handed it off and he stared at me blankly. I opened it.

  Boiler Room. Saturday after supper.

  I sat next to Caboose during lunch. “I need to talk to you,” I said to the side of his face.

  He chewed slowly.

  “Just tell me what the boiler room is?”

  I thought I saw his mouth stop chewing for just a second, but then it resumed eating.

  “I got a note that said be there after supper on Saturday. What does that mean?”

  He set his fork down and swallowed. For a moment I thought he was about to say something, but then he stood, picked up his tray, and walked toward the return window.

  I looked up at Paco. He was talking to someone.

  “Helpless, Hal!” somebody from Jack’s group yelled behind me.

  “Maybe we get to him first, amigo!” Tattoo yelled back.

  “Maybe we get our boys initiated!” Preston shouted across the room.

  Then I saw Tattoo sidearm a dinner roll across the room. I spun just in time to see it hit the face of the boy sitting beside Preston. Jack leaped up and pointed at the guy. “Do it again, you dumb spic!”

  “Bring it on, cracker!”

  “Hey!” the guard yelled.

  Jack glared at the guard. “Why don’t you do your job and handle that!”

  The guard shook his head and didn’t respond. Jack sat down again and glared at me. Boiler room, he mouthed.

  15

  I waited in the confessional after supper. I heard the others down the hall in the rec room. It was twenty minutes before Paco casually walked in.

  “What did you think of my gift?” he said.

  “What took you so long?”

  He stepped up to the sink and began washing his hands. He glanced at me in the mirror. “I didn’t know we had a meeting.”

  “I figured this was part of your game. You know, havin’ these little talks.”

  He smiled and flicked his hands dry. He ran his palm over his slick head and turned to me. “Wedge your foot against the door,” he said.

  “Why?”

  “Because I’ll leave if you don’t.”

  I was nervous about it, but I did as he said. When I turned back around, he was sitting on the sink. “I’m not supposed to talk to nonmembers,” he said. “This is getting dangerous for me.”

  “Welcome to the club. Why’d you give me that ice pick thing?”

  “Because you are going to need it. You will need the edge, no pun intended.”

  “Are you crazy? I’m not stabbin’ anybody! What the hell is this place? B
oys aren’t supposed to be stabbin’ each other in a juvenile home!”

  Paco shrugged. “It is what it is.”

  “Christ! What the hell’s the boiler room?”

  “I told you there was one more place. And now you have an invitation. You will be able to fight there without the guards interfering. It is underneath the kitchen. I would show you where, but I can’t be seen with you.”

  “Fight who? Jack?”

  “Of course.”

  “Does everybody stand around and watch or somethin’?”

  “No, it will just be the two of you. One of you will come back up and one of you won’t.”

  I felt cold sweat on my face. “I don’t wanna do this, Paco. Man, you gotta help me.”

  Someone tried to come in and Paco’s eyes darted to the door hitting against my foot. After a second they kicked it loudly and a boy shouted, “Hey! Open up!”

  Paco motioned with his chin for me to step aside and I did. He slid off the sink and calmly pulled the door to him, placing me out of sight as it swung open. He stood there facing the boy. He didn’t say a word.

  “Sorry, Paco,” I heard.

  Paco closed the door again and pointed my foot back into position. He walked over to the urinal and I heard him unzip.

  “You gotta do somethin’, man,” I said again. “I can’t get into this.”

  “I already did something for you. I gave you what you need to come back up the stairs. Then you are done. You see how simple?”

  “Then I’m screwed! What are you talkin’ about! You think I can kill somebody and get away with it?”

  “That’s not what I’m suggesting. Just stick him a few times. Someone like Jack, he won’t be able to stand the sight of his own blood. He’ll curl up and whimper like a baby.”

  “Leroy said he killed a man.”

  “And you believe that?”

  “No.”

  “Good. Then we can move on.”

  “This is crazy, Paco. I gotta talk to Mr. Fraley about this.”

  He zipped up and turned to me again. “About what?”

  “About the fight.”

  “There hasn’t been a fight. Besides, you have the shiv.”

  “Maybe I just don’t go. I won’t go.”

  “Yes, you will. So far, the boys have just been nipping at you. They are not so sure about you. They call you Helpless. They call you a coward. This is just noise. But you see, it is only their uncertainty that keeps them at bay. If you fail to show tomorrow evening, there will be no more uncertainty. And they will come in for the kill.”

  “What happened to Chase?”

  “Chase accepted a service he could not pay for. He is gone.”

  “What do you mean, gone?”

  “He was taken away in an ambulance last night.”

  I watched him, stunned. “Why are you doin’ this, Paco? Why are you here?”

  “Think about it. You must learn to think about these angles people take.”

  “I’m tired of thinkin’ about everything you say like it’s some big puzzle. Just tell me.”

  “Do you think I am your friend?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe.”

  “Are you scared of me?”

  “You make me real nervous.”

  “That’s understandable.”

  “Paco, you gotta stop goin’ in circles on me. I need to get some help here. I don’t need this boiler room stuff.”

  “Stay with me, Hal. What happens if you walk up from that boiler room?”

  “I guess it means that somehow I kicked his ass. Then I guess I go to solitary for a while. If I take your advice and use a shiv on him, then I guess I go to the state pen or somethin’.”

  “I can guarantee that none of the boys will snitch. They know better. Whatever happens down there will stay down there. But that is a minor point. You need to look at the big picture, Hal.”

  “What?”

  “You will be the leader of the Ministers.”

  Suddenly it all made sense. “And I wouldn’t want to challenge you or any of the Hounds,” I said. “And you would really be in charge of the whole yard.”

  He smiled. “Let’s leave me out of this. Imagine for a moment that I am actually trying to help you. I don’t believe that you can keep your word to your father because, as I’ve said, you have no control over what the guards put in your conduct report. But you can arrange things so that your stay here is more pleasant.”

  I didn’t answer him.

  “Think about it,” he said.

  I thought about it in my bunk, long into the night. It seemed like an impossible situation. If I didn’t go down to the boiler room, they would continue to fight me. The Ministers and the Hounds would use me like a punching bag, and I didn’t know if my temper or my health could hold out that long. I couldn’t go to Mr. Fraley, and the floorwalker said they wouldn’t take me out of general population.

  I had to show for the fight. And my only chance against Jack was with the shiv. Unless I just let him beat me to a pulp. Unless he had a shiv too. Either way, I’d end up like Chase.

  “Caboose?”

  No answer.

  “Caboose?”

  “Quiet down there!” the floorwalker boomed.

  16

  Saturday. They left me alone during breakfast. It seemed the dining hall was quieter than usual. After the buzzer sounded I returned my tray, walked out into the hall, and leaned against the wall while the boys passed me like I wasn’t there.

  “You’ve got a visitor,” a guard said to me.

  There were a couple of other boys talking to their relatives when I walked into the room. I could tell by Daddy’s sallow face that he was still on the wagon. He smiled to me as I crossed the floor, and I managed my own smile at the edge of my mouth. He hugged me and beat his rough palm on my back a couple of times while I rested my chin on his shoulder and closed my eyes.

  We sat across from each other at a table off in the corner and I locked my hands together and studied my fingers.

  “Come on now,” he said. “You can’t feel as bad as I do.”

  I looked up at him. “I’m all right,” I said. “You didn’t bring Carla this time?”

  “You told me not to.”

  “I know.”

  “What happened to your face?”

  I looked down and shook my head.

  “Don’t tell me another basketball hit you.”

  “I’m in trouble, Daddy,” I mumbled.

  “What’d you do?”

  “I tried to stay out of it. I don’t know what to do.”

  “We’ll work it out, son. Tell me what happened.”

  I shook my head.

  “You can’t quit on me now.”

  I looked up. “All I’ve tried to do is stay out of fights. But you can’t get respect in here unless you fight. And if you don’t get respect, they come after you.”

  “You need to tell the staff. Tell ’em what’s goin’ on.”

  “They won’t listen to me.”

  Daddy pushed away from the table and stood. “I’ll talk to the boss. Where is he?”

  “Sit down, Daddy. You can’t talk to him. He don’t give a damn about me and he don’t give a damn about you.”

  “Where’s his office?”

  “Come on. This place ain’t about fair. The guards turn their backs on us. You’re just gonna make things worse for me.”

  Daddy looked around the room like he might get some answers. Then he took a deep breath and sat down again. “I feel so dad-gum helpless.”

  “Listen,” I said. “I gotta work it out. I just want you to know that I tried hard if anything happens to me.”

  “Anything happens to you I’m gonna start whippin’ some ass around here. Wait’ll they see what a log chain and a grub hoe have to say. I’ll—”

  “You ain’t doin’ none of that. You need to drive over to Mr. Wellington’s place and tell him hurry up with things.”

  “I been goin’ up to the
Laundromat and callin’ him every day. He’s doin’ all he can.”

  “Go see him. He’s gotta do more.”

  “All right,” he said. “I will.”

  I pushed back from the table and stood. “I gotta go.”

  “Why you gotta go?”

  “I need to think. And I don’t like you seein’ me like this. Maybe you can bring Carla by next weekend.”

  Daddy nodded to me. I didn’t want to hug him this time. I was too ashamed of myself. I turned and walked away.

  When I stepped onto the yard, no one paid attention to me. I crossed the dusty ground and leaned against the fence without even looking at Caboose. I took a deep breath and slid down the wire and rested my forehead on my knees. I tried to think but I couldn’t.

  Before supper I stuck the shiv in my sock and walked to the dining hall in a daze. I got my tray and let the serving woman put food onto it and went to my seat. The noise of the boys’ normal chatter ran together and pressed into my ears like a sound underwater. I sat and bent over my tray but left my hands on either side of it. I didn’t feel like eating.

  When the buzzer went off I returned my tray and stepped out into the hall and stopped. The boys in front of me continued toward the rec room and the ones behind me began to pass.

  “Follow me,” I heard Preston say.

  I fell in behind him. He turned into the confessional where Paco and I usually met. I followed and the door shut behind us. There was another boy at the sink. He had a scar around his wrist. He finished washing his hands and looked at us and left without speaking. Then we were alone.

  “I’m gonna show you how to get down there,” Preston said. “Jack will come five minutes later.”

  I nodded. Preston smiled at me.

  “One of these days, Preston,” I said.

  “Yeah, you wish.”

  “You think you got friends in here? I try to get to the end of how stupid you are, but I just can’t make it that far.”

  Preston began to flush with irritation. “You’re the one that’s stupid, Hal! You asked for all of this. I told you what to do when you got here, but you think you’re tougher than everybody else.”